English Humor

Title

Teacher: 'What's your name?'

Schoolboy: 'Henry Smith.'

Teacher: 'Always say 'Sir' when you speak to a teacher.'

Schoolboy (apologetically): 'Sir Henry Smith.'

Fair Play

The man in the barber chair signalled with his finger. 'Have you got another razor?' he whispered.

'Of course, sir,' said the barber. 'But may I ask you why?'

'I'd like to defend myself,' said the customer.

Sick Humour

Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son,. 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'

'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'

'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'

'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'

Is There a War?

Two women neighbours are talking.

'Mary, what's wrong with you? Are you ill? I saw the doctor coming out of your house twice last week.'

'So what? I saw an officer coming out of your house five times last week but I'm not saying that a war has broken out.'

Proof

A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says, 'Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!' He replies, 'That's okay. I have two proofs.'

At the Doctor's

Doctor: 'Deep breathing, you know, kills microbes.'

Patient: 'And how can I make them breathe deeply?'

- - - -

'You followed my prescription, haven't you?'

'Well, doctor, I didn't, for I would have broken my neck.'

'Broken your neck?'

'Yes, for I dropped your prescription out of a third floor window.'

In Court

Judge: 'Have you ever been up before me?'

Accused: 'I don't know. What time do you get up?'

- - - -

Lawyer: 'Now that we have won, will you tell me confidentially if you stole the money?'

Client: 'Well, after hearing you talk in court yesterday, I am beginning to think I didn't.'

Dogs

"Madam," said the kennel owner to the nouveau riche sportswoman, "I offer you this thoroughbred bloodhound."

"How do I know it's a bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully.

"Hector," the owner ordered the dog, "bleed for the lady."

- - - -

A tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the path in a park, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, walking her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively at the lady.

"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:

"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."

A Correct Answer

A student asks his professor if it's true that tigers and other wild animals won't attack you in the jungle at night if you're carrying a burning torch. The proffessor answers, 'Well, young man, it all depends on how fast you're carrying it.'

Football Fan

A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.

'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'

'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.